Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.