“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
The funk soul brother
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.