What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.