BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”