Peter Parker Peter Driver
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.