Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*