things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
just witnessed a drug deal
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.