Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”