*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Namaste
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*