This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I drew y’all a little something.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
What is going on? 😅
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.