You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
crochet youtube is brutal
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from