I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.