I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes