Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before