Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP