Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
oppen heimer style lol
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!