*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.