Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
step 6: release the wall snake
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I laughed at this way too hard.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken