It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this