First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
This is my bus stop.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…