Finished stitching this today 😇
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
HR said no more nunchucks.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.