I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what