Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[shakes fist at other fist]
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.