Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.