*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.