#merica
You Might Also Like
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*limbos away from your hug*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.