My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me