If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
No regrets in 2018
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.