my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Chemical wingman
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.