wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.