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#Caturday
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.