My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’