The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?