Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted