me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You Might Also Like
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here