TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not