The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
How software testing works
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
he was correct
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
🤣😂🤣
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Lmaoo 😂
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.