No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER