Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?