Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Duck typos.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Ain’t no way
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*