a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m putting together a team
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.