I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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Gecko at McDonald鈥檚 crawl through:
I鈥檒l have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.