Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
You Might Also Like
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.