I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.