Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.