Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears