Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
You Might Also Like
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My circle of trust is a meatball
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.