Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.