Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
these two trucks have the same bed length
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
every. time.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”