booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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Sunday
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
rapatouille
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt